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Oh, yes, and: I regret that I couldn't find Chapter 1 ... and, I seem to have missed the adventure inside the Deku Tree, if there was one ... and if there wasn't, why not?!
Keep it up!
At 7:16:30 AM on 9/18/2003, Stryderman said:
............. Good. Quite good! I think that at times the action is a little rushed. The little philosophical speech at the start is a little ... well ... philosophical. Try toning it down for the rest of the world. I think that the addition of Link's speech is great. The one thing you could improve on is: Action description. Describe the action. For example, in OoT, you say that suddenly an army of black-clad soldiers gallop past. This is a little too short. Describe the faces, the eyes, the movements, etc. of the army to lengthen the action.
Just some tips, keep up the good work!
At 8:54:39 PM on 9/14/2003, SmartRaptor said:
great, but a little too complicated
At 7:58:47 PM on 9/14/2003, Mega T.rex 15 said:
This is a great story so far. I regret that I wasn't able to read the first chapter, but it's really an interesting story, tons of detail. Keep up the good work!
At 12:41:24 PM on 9/14/2003, JPJunkee said:
Awwwww, ya last the first chapters. . . .
Anyway! There was actually a considerably big improvement in your writing between this part and your first post of the story. Much more detail, and it still flows at a nice fluid pace. Nice work. :)
-- JPJunkee
At 8:04:24 AM on 9/12/2003, Darth Chicken said:
yea oh well, i have the first chapter saved on word so no biggie. :)
At 3:09:21 AM on 9/12/2003, Dac said:
Uh oh...I think you lost the first chapter because the titles were identical
At 5:47:59 PM on 9/8/2003, Darth Chicken said:
Thanks for the comments guys! I'll be posting chapters 2-4, next so it will be a long segment.
At 2:54:45 PM on 9/6/2003, JPJunkee said:
Much like the others said, it’s a little too short and that leaves me with really not much to comment on. It’s written well, for the most part, but it kind of needs more detail here and there. Also, like Ben said, we all know the story of the Ocarina of Time, so don’t be afraid to venture from that story and make something of your own, something more original. Anyway, good start, and I’ll be sure to check out more as it is posted.
-- JPJunkee
At 12:57:58 AM on 9/6/2003, Ben said:
I think it's a good start - my only thing is, make it your own. We all know the story, but we don't know it from your view. Put yourself inside Hyrule and tell us the story...and as this is fan fiction you don't have to stick to a story. Feel free to drift off and make something out of nothing.
Other than that, it's a great start!
At 12:44:05 AM on 9/6/2003, RaptorVinny500 said:
It's not bad, but I think you need some more dialogue and some more events, most of what you have is directly from the game. Try mixing it up a little. I'm presuming you will do that next chapter seeing as in the game you don't go to the Lost Woods before seeing the Deku Tree, so it looks promising.
And yvonne is nice to everyone about their fics, I bet if I wrote some piece of crap she'd say it was ok so she wouldn't hurt my feelings :) Nah I'm joking yvonne, you add critisism if the writer really needs to know what is wrong.
At 10:59:23 PM on 9/5/2003, Darth Chicken said:
I always feel warm and fuzzy inside when a great writer like yvonne posts a commen. Thanks again guys!
At 8:34:25 PM on 9/5/2003, yvonne said:
Not bad so far. :)
There's not much there to comment on, but I'll read more as its posted.
Oh, and I would try to space the whole thing out, like you did for the last few lines in the story. It makes it easier to read.
Anywho, good start. Please post more. :)
At 1:36:10 PM on 9/5/2003, Darth Chicken said:
Thank you, Dac!
At 4:54:47 AM on 9/5/2003, Dac said:
Kinda short, but still, very good! I like the way you've added in Link's dialogue, that's a definite plus
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