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I want any and all kinds of criticism. In fact, nitpicky criticism is most welcome because it makes working on the rest so much easier. Thanks for taking the time to read it
At 9:47:58 AM on 10/31/2003, dark hunter said:
cool, thanks for responding to my constructive critism in a good way, many would bash other for critism(sp?).
~Dark Hunter
At 5:34:04 AM on 10/28/2003, Dac said:
"The plot really has me confused. Not as i don't understand it but that i think it's a bit stupid. He reaches the gates of the underworld or what not, is told he has to pass all ten gates. Then after passing the first, killing the guy, is sent back to earth? It just doesn't fit the title or what we've been told. Hopefully this will be explained."
Thank you, I'll get right on that
I've integrated it right into my mind-map: it will be explained
At 4:25:21 AM on 10/26/2003, dark hunter said:
Yes it is original. However it starts much too abruptly and leaves the reader thinking what the. It needs more of an introduction perhaps describing the place that Diabor is from and the world he lives in as well as heaven and hell. I found it hard to keep up with all your creatures and characters.
The writing was very good and the descriptions, some hard to understand, it took me a while to realise Diabor was scrabbling with his other hand not his other sword, where really quite well done.
The development of the character was good, though a bit poor in parts as it seemed to be a bit two-dimensional. And one part confused me. Where you wrote about his eyes making him seem strong, it just didn't work, i suggest a bit of a rephrase and what not.
The action. Really nice, though the dialogue seemed forced. The fight was good and now i think back it seems to me that this is what the entire chapter was building on. The fight.
The plot really has me confused. Not as i don't understand it but that i think it's a bit stupid. He reaches the gates of the underworld or what not, is told he has to pass all ten gates. Then after passing the first, killing the guy, is sent back to earth? It just doesn't fit the title or what we've been told. Hopefully this will be explained.
All up. It was a good start, a bit below average, but still a solid performer, that was worth the read.
Rating:7/10
~Dark Hunter
At 3:33:01 AM on 10/26/2003, Dac said:
But he WAS dead, that's the thing. He fell from his own world into the After World
At 12:07:40 AM on 10/26/2003, Stryderman said:
I meant, slam into the ground and not be dead :)
At 8:29:26 PM on 10/25/2003, Dac said:
Oh, and he did hurt after the fall
At 5:28:24 AM on 10/25/2003, Dac said:
It took me over an hour to copy that out of the book it's in. It actually takes up five or so A4 pages
At 4:35:08 AM on 10/25/2003, Stryderman said:
Well, well, well. It is original, I have to say. The other thing I have to say is: it seemed a tad brief. A little more in-depth detail would suffice.
I know, as a fan-fic author myself, how hard it is to extend a scene. But I think this could do with something.
For example: Diabor fell helplessly down, landed, and you went on to explain about his sword, after which he got up and walked off. You could expand, perhaps, the landing (say it was very eery to slam into the ground and not get hurt), and then explain that Diabor got up and took stock of his surroundings.
After that, have a description of the underworld valley he's in.
Keep it up, I look forward to Chapter 1!
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