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DOn't worry, I've already given up on the story.
At 11:20:04 PM on 4/20/2003, JPJunkee said:
Okay, where do I start?
Um, first, I'd like to say, that I am not meaning to sound harsh and/or mean with my comments. My thoughts, are mine alone. Reading everyone else's comments did not sway my opinions in any way, shape, or form.
This is not shaping up to be a good story. The continuity is pretty bad. The dialogue is often times poor, and off character. And the characters themselves all seem like the same person. . .
Okay, um, Ian Malcolm. To be honest, I think your portrayal of Malcolm was rather weak. It's obvious you've tried to make him like the Malcolm of the films, with the "um"s and "uh"s. But all his dialogue is so sketchy, and out of character. He swears, when Malcolm probably wouldn't. He stutters, in the wrong places. And, as far as Malcolm is concerned in the story. . . it doesn't make much sense. It almost seems as though Malcolm himself must have a disease of some sort, and that is the reason he is going so crazy about stopping Dodgson. And then, Malcolm gets taken to jail. . . that was poorly executed.
Grant. . . as far as Grant's dialogue is concerned, I think the good Doctor must be half asleep during most of his scenes. I know you're saying that Grant's not the most emotional of characters, and I'll agree with you. . . but really, Grant is still a human being.
And then Dodgson. . . okay. . . his scene with Malcolm was really poorly executed. Especially when Dodgson said about him knowing Malcolm's name, "The same way you knew mine – I’ve done my research." Umm. . . Malcolm never even said Dodgson's name.
Okay, if I were to give any advice, it would be to write out a lot of the story NOW. And then, post it once the story is done, so you can look over it all, and fix the problems before you post them. This story really does need help. The concept and plot are okay, but you can barely even notice them, when you are being blinded by the problems of the story.
It just needs work.
No offense meant.
Rating: C
-- JPJunkee
At 4:05:48 AM on 4/20/2003, The Host said:
Fair enough. I'm not sure I made my point clearly enough, however, particularly in regards to the questions you must ask yourself. I suppose my point is this: a number of the things that occurred in the story so far simply didn't make sense. Now matter how important it is that Grant join this mission, the U.S. army simply would never pick anybody out of traffic. It doesn't make sense whatsoever. Ditto Malcolm's protest: I seriously doubt he'd start chattering on the lawn of the Pentagon: the simple fact is, this is a smart man, and he's smart enough to know that if you start harassing guards in front of the Pentagon raving like a madman, you're not going to get very far. It was unconvincing: it didn't convince me; again, it didn't make sense. The exchange between Grant and his kidnappers likewise makes little sense: wouldn't he be a tad more angry? You might say he's not particularly emotional; nonetheless, if uniformed men in a helicopter kidnapped me in the middle of the day I'd probably be pretty scared or pretty angry or both. Again, the scene was unconvincing.
I wasn't put off by the lack of action and I didn't find the characters stale. Quite the opposite. Ultimately, the greatest advice I can give you is this: draw it out more. Spend more time with your characters and their reactions. As it stands most of what your characters say is simple exposition; you could read most of the characters' dialogue as a narrator's monologue. You should delay the exposition further, focus more on your characters, and make them more believable -- and the situations they're in.
Okay, so maybe you do know why the army didn't just wait an hour to pick Grant up at his home and I'll be proved wrong. Maybne you know why Ian acts like a lunatic who's lost his meds and I'll be proved wrong. Perhaps you know why Grant didn't seem particularly concerned that his own government has appratnely targeted him for kidnapping and I'll be proved wrong. If not, however, then if nothing else, ask yourself this constantly whilst writing: does this make sense?
Finally, as regards dialogue. I know that you said on the message board that you didn't feel people should always talk like rocket scientists in films. I agree. But a few things to remember: first, in this case, you *are* dealing with scientists, who probably *should* be more eloquent and intelligent than the average Joe. Moreover, in general, I felt that your dialogue was, well, slightly childish. I'd be happy to fetch some specific examples a little later if you'd like me to. Just let me know here or on the MB.
Again, I'm not trying to degrade your writing abilities. Far from it. As I've emphasized already, the best thing an aspiring writer can take is advice. There's mine. Ignore it if you will, but then you'll never improve.
-The Host
At 11:11:58 PM on 4/19/2003, Carnotaur3 said:
Host: As much as I would like to take your conciderations, I won't. Basically, I don't agree to everything you say. As in poorly written. Right now, I have not really put in my characters in any action whatsoever. Right now they are talking, that's about it. Nothing much to do there. You want me to ask questions to myself, but you think I have not. Those questions are for the reader, not me, as I know what is to happen in the next coming parts. I do know that Grant is pretty stale right now, but he will have his time. Malcolm's had his already. Again, I'm not yelling at you. In fact, I agree to some extint of what you are saying, but the rest is just 'blah' for me. I do have AG5 helping me out on the diologue.
At 10:45:54 PM on 4/19/2003, The Host said:
'I used to work for, Dodgson. I say ‘used to’ meaning, I no longer work for him.'
That line, I think, was unintentionally hilarious IMO. It's redundant. Akin to saying, 'I don't like prunes. By that I mean I like prunes not.'
Your characters still speak like twelve-year-olds. Dodgson like a pretentious twelve-year-old.
This installment was poorly paced, as has been mentioned, and poorly written. There was a minimum of description. Characterization was pretty off. There were huge inconsistencies: for example, one moment Sarah's in Kenya; the next she's at home with zero explanation of how she got there. Malcolm's actions were neurotic to say the least, and unbelievable. I still don't understand, exatcly, how he wound up in jail: that side-swipes the reader and must be clarified and expanded.
The premise is intriguing and the story could work, but it will take much more work. It seems almost as though you have a basic idea in sight and are making this up as you go along without editing it or considering it. That's the wrong way to go about writing.
Put yourself in the reader's shoes; ask the vital questions: Why is Alan so complacent? Ian so psychotic? Jameson such an ass? Why was Dodgson in the same hospital as Malcolm, at the same time? Why did the army pluck Alan off of the road? Couldn't they have, like, waited an hour and then caught Grant at home or at work, thus *not* breaking virtually every privacy law and several ammendments whilst spending surely thousands of dollars on wasted helicopter fuel hovering over a freeway searching for a paleontoligist to abduct him for a 'secret' mission in the most conspicuous manner conceivable? Frankly, large portions of this story don't make sense.
Finally, there is just too damn much exposition happening in these scenes, and it's awkwardly shoehorned in. Important plot points should be focused on a fair bit more, and shouldn't come in so early. After the characters are established, and their interests, they should then discover these things for themselves -- not literally be plucked out of the sky and told the truth. These sorts of revelations generally come thirty to sixty pages into a screenplay. Either you've bunched up to much plot in the early portions of your story, or you've got too much plot for length, depending upon how long your screenplay is.
The story isn't terrible. The actual *story*, come to think of it, is imaginative -- certainly above average. The writing is, however, consistently poor.
This is not a condemnation, it is a criticism. Don't react to it: consider it. Learn from it. It's the only way that you will ever become a better author.
Sincerely,
The Host
4.5/10
At 8:13:31 AM on 4/18/2003, Carnotaur3 said:
Grant isn't the SHOW EMOTION kind of guy. We see this in JP. He's not going to blurt out his emotions as soon as he gets. He let's them hang in there until they are ready to come out.
At 6:43:53 AM on 4/18/2003, dark hunter said:
As good as this could have been, i found it quite lacking.
No offense but the whole portrayal of Malcolm, whatever dignity was grabbed last chapter, this chapter flew out the window. In 'TLW:JP' we see Malcolm as quite a loving, caring person, both towards Sarah and Kelly, yet in this story he seems to be quite the opposite, yelling, and stuff. Sure he might be angry but he'd show a bit more love surely?
Grant too has fallen down in characterisation, he isn't at all like in the movies and seems quite placid. The only redeeming feature was that of his talking about the Colnel (sp?) which i believe he should have said to the colnels (sp?) face.
Sorry, but it just seems to me that all your characters lack somethiung, almost as if this story was thrown together haphazardly and at last minute.
Your descriptions are shocking, and i am only going to mention these as it is in script format, thus not too many descriptions can be used, but those that are are supposed to grab the readers attention, yours unfortunately do not.
Perhaps the only redeeming feature of this story is that of the whole thing coming together to form something. What i mean to say is the mystery of the whole thing.
We don't know what the hell is going on, and it's working,it helped me read as fast as i could through the story.
Your story is not bad, but unfortunately it is by no means good. I suggest you take a good solid look at it and try to revise as much as possible.
Rating: 4.5/10
~Dark Hunter
At 7:08:02 PM on 4/17/2003, Crisco said:
i liked it alot, I especially like how u portray Malcolm, good job
At 6:31:21 PM on 4/17/2003, Carnotaur3 said:
REVISED VERSION NOW UP ON THIS ONE
At 6:24:09 PM on 4/15/2003, Carnotaur3 said:
For some reason, I can't seem to come up with anything good. AG5, you're right. After you read this message I will be deleting this part. I'm better than this.
At 6:19:07 PM on 4/15/2003, AlanGrant5 said:
OK – Honestly, in my opinion, this wasn't a good follow up to Part One. This portion of the script looks to have been rushed or maybe you intended it to be extremely fast-paced, so much so that everything happens way too quickly to be even remotely believable. Either way, the overall outcome isn't up to par with what you released previously.
Malcolm's confrontation with Dodgson was weak because of the dialogue exchanged between the two. The meeting between Grant and Forge is rushed and to think Grant would so easily accept a mission without even asking more questions, seems improbable given all that Grant has gone through already with these dinosaurs. "And I'm your dino-guide, I suppose?" While the adaptation of Grant is below average, Malcolm seems to be getting better.
Your ideas are well-formed, but the execution isn't. I think you're posting immediately after Part One, simply because you want to get it out there for people to read. Take your time with this one because you really can make it better than what it is now.
What I do like about Part Two, is the involvement of its characters. The roles Ian and Alan are playing in this elaborate scheme, turned mystery. I like the fact that Ian is searching for the answers, while Grant is being confronted with them. From the characters roles to the new deadly strain ("DX"), I like the idea.
But, just because I like the idea, doesn't mean the script was without flaw. It has potential and like I've said before, it has the ability to become more than your making it. Work on the dialogue and character adaptations. Then, once that's done, you'll have a good story flowing.
GRADE (PART TWO): C–
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