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I really forgot about that size dimensions thing lol
I had wrote this before I decided to post it here at Dan's.
Thanks for the heads up.
And as I've told JAM on aim, the next two chapters ARE strictly character development. Most of the novel is, really. The scares don't really start coming until mid way into the novel.
The point of the first haunting was that Mike is slowly trying to realize that maybe his mind is making him cope with the loss, explained to him by Dr. King. He'll later find that not to be the case at all.
Thank you both for going out of your way to read my story.
At 5:59:09 AM on 1/9/2006, MartinRandle said:
Hi chase...
I agree with JAM's comments there. There did seem to be too much of a hurry to get to the action. The best ghost stories or horrors take a good while to build the tension. It was like I had skipped a few chapters.
When we did get to the "I like my train" That sent a shiver down my spine like a good ghost story should. But then it was spoiled by being repeated. Just the once was incredibly spooky, twice and you are looking to see if the motion blur on the CGI matches the background plate.
I am going to point out a few gramatics and logic errors as there is little point in submitting something essentially this good with errors that are avoidable.
"Adding to the open windows, Mike switched the dial of the air conditioner to maximum high"
Have you ever used airconditioning. It is like a fridge, it works by removing heat from an enclosed space. It doesn't work if you leave the windows open. Anyone who has airconditioning would know this.
"The cabin, along with the red roof, was roughly … (tell size here and dimensions)."
I think you missed out the detail here.
"Travor whaled behind them."
trEvor did what?
And it is a dining table not a dinning table. Small point but something as simple as this can shatter the illusion and break the spell.
Great first draft though!!!
Mart
At 7:04:44 PM on 1/8/2006, Jedi A. Malcolm said:
You wanted a review and so shall you have it. I will not be merciful. Be prepared.
As this is an informal affair, I won't comment on grammatical errors and that sort of technobabble. What I'm sure you're looking for, Chase, is in the story.
To begin, I'll say it seemed a bit rushed. You open with the background (which is fine in short stories, a lot of the time), but it seems like you just handed it to us for our own consideration without really delving into it. I felt like it would have been more effective if we had started with the action (them in the car) and then, through a series of flashbacks, we get the backstory.
Things really got interesting when we came into the present. Once we got into the cab of the truck and joined the two protagonists on their journey, that's when I became your puppet. You give such depth and personality (though you tell instead of show, which is fine, nothing wrong with it) to your two characters that I find myself very impatient to find out what happens later.
One disappointment was the fact that, in my opinion, the beginning of the haunting came too soon. I have a feeling like the next few chapters are going to be thrilling and atmospheric, but that whatever ending you have in store won't have the dramatic effect you want, simply because you jumped straight into the action. I know it's boring, but sometimes the pay-off comes from character development at the beginning of the story, when nothing really interesting is happening.
However, I could be wrong and the next few chapters are devoted solely to character development, with the haunting actually having a background place in the story. I must add that there was a definite tension once they were inside the house, so kudos there.
So overall, I liked it. As with anything, there are pros and cons, and since I know you're better at writing scripts and directing films, I can't fault you for a lot of it. Detail is in your blood and sometimes you can't help but add it, even if it doesn't help the story (I don't have a single instance of that off the top of my head). But anyway, I look forward to reading your subsequent chapters. Keep up the good work.
-Peace.
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