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Good plot, and nice action, though I think you need to work with someone who can improve the dialogue and phrasing. It kind of feels lumpy and unreal at times.
I think Angel is a crap name for any guy with a beard. And in the UK Jessie is a girls name too. It kind of makes the characters sound a little feminine - probably not what you meant to achieve.
Character-wise I don’t think you really captured the spirit of Muldoon. I doubt the words “poor fellow” would ever issue from his lips, especially when the person in question was not following procedures. Anger at someone’s stupidity is more likely:
<I>“Idiot! That is why you wear the mask and goggles, doesn’t anybody read the safety manual? We are not dealing with a petting zoo here – most of these creatures – including the herbivores are lethal… OK, kid. You’d better come with me, you’re gonna need medical attention – we’ll send a team back to recover what ever’s left of Pierce!”</I>
OK I thought about that for about 1 minute – but I think that sounds more Muldoon than:
<I>"Poor fellow. Second to be taken by the these spitting bastards today." He squatted next to the body of what became of John. Inspecting the gape in his neck, "I think you better come with me. We've had another incident." </I>
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